The Speechwriter

Robert Orben and Pricing

Robert Orben is a prolific American gag and speechwriter. I've bought a copy of one of his gag collections and it was very out-of-date, but his recent publication is The Speechwriter's Handbook of Humor is excellent.

He's particularly good on pricing, which is always a thorny subject. If I'm a speechwriter with nearly ten years' experience and I'm working exclusively for you, it's going to be quite expensive. Thousands of weddings every year are marred by vulgar speeches, hundreds of hours of worktime are wasted in boring presentations, you're not just paying for a script, you're getting a dose of reassurance and consultancy on top.

On average once a month I get an enquiry about how to become a speechwriter. I recommend this book along with Bob Monkhouse's Complete Speaker's Handbook.

Proverbs

I'm a great fan of proverbs, which can be little jewels in speeches and articles. Often you can ponder their significance for days. Here's a Chinese one which illustrates the futility of driving people to do things they don't want to:

Don't try to teach pigs to sing, why not? Two reasons: 1) Pigs can’t sing and 2) It annoys the pig.

I love the Jewish ones:

A man can see a speck of dirt on someone else’s hair, but cannot see the flies on his own nose.

Rejoice not at your enemy's fall, but don't pick him up, either.

If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

Different religions seem to throw up different flavours. Buddhist or Japanese proverbs seem to have a certain fatality about them:

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

If you sit on a stone for three years, you will get used to it.

Nothing is more costly than something given free of charge.

In hindsight you can spend years of your life trying to do something that a proverb advises against in a few words.

My favourite comes from the Rabbi Nachman of Bratislav.

The whole world is like a very narrow bridge and the main thing is not to be afraid.

Ice Breakers

Whenever you meet as a small group, it's often useful to do introductions around the room. Lots of people get very nervous about this. Usually they state formally their name and job. In one group I lead, we've decided to tack on a random question to open them up.

The first one we tried was, 'What's your favourite film?'. Another one was, 'If an actor was to play your life who would you want it to be?' Both of these questions elicited some unsual and animating responses, which helped us all to see them in a different light. Can anyone suggest any other good ones?

Sermons

There are always those how actually don't like happiness, they don't like being happy. Well, for them God has provided football.

I thought this was quite funny for a sermon. Peter Mullen of St Michael's, Cornhill in the City anthologises his sermons on the web on pdfs. They provide a statement of traditional beliefs. I also found a good Evelyn Waugh anecdote. Waugh used to spend most of his days in White's Club seeking literary inspiration. His great sparring partner was Randolph Churchill.

One day Waugh went into White's and Churchill wasn't at his usual bar stool. Waugh asked after him. the steward said, He's in hospital. A growth in his stomach. they've taken it out. It wasn't malignant.

Waugh sighed and said, Truly modern science is wonderful. Fancy being able to find the only bit of Randolph Churchill that is not malignant - and remove it.

Click here to read them for yourself.