The Speechwriter

Fooled by Randomness

I do a monthly shop at Amazon, and every once in a while I get something completely at random on the strength of a review or a "people who bought this also bought" recommendation.

This month I found an absolute gem by a very funny man, Nassim Nicholas Taleb. The book may seem to be about complex high-falutin ideas, but in fact it's just a humorous romp through the different brands of human pomposity and arrogance.

Taleb spends a lot of time talking about Monte Carlo generators, a simulation, usually done through a computer program that can generate lots of random sample paths, to look at the patterns that emerge.

He muses on whether you can use the Monte Carlo method to compose poetry or highbrow literary criticism. He concludes you can. If you select certain vocabulary, you can even construct a speech imitating your chief executive officer. You just pick the phrases you like and string them together.

We look after our customer's interests/ the road ahead/ our assets are our people/ creation of shareholder value / our vision / our expertise lies in / we provide interative solutions/ we position ourselves in this market/ how to serve our customers better/ short-term pain for long-term gain/ we will be rewarded in the long run/ we play from our strength and improve our weaknesses/ courage and determination will prevail/ we are committed to innovation and technology/ a happy employee is an productive employee/ commitment to excellence/ strategic plan/ our work ethics

Next time you listen to your CEO, think whether he's saying anything of value or just spouting meaningless random nonsense.

Taleb's book is full of super stories and analogies that would liven up any speech or presentation.

Creative Careers

It's sixteen years since I left university and for about the first time I feel secure in what I'm doing. Finding a job for me was an absolute nightmare. I left university thinking I wanted to be a journalist. It seemed a sensible option, but whenever I had dealings with local newspaper editors, I was always struck by how mean, stupid, rude and incompetent they were.

When I worked for national newspapers, I found them to be snake pits of nepotism, bullying, intrigue and pointless activity. So what to do?

Stay at home and do your own thing. Rather than specialising I did lots of different things.

But 18 months ago I discovered The Career Guide for Creative and Unconventional People by Carol Eikleberry. It's a bit new age and American but it's full of inspirational quotations and stories.

What I picked up from it is that it's okay to be unconventional. It articulates the problem I had with conventional work - underutilization of abilities is positively related to job dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, and depression.

The books sets out your options, lists dozens of 'alternative' careers and tells lots of stories which underline the importance of creativity to society, without underestimating the problems any creative person will have making a good living and fulfilling their potential.

Soon after reading the book, I decided to give up the freelance journalism and stick to the speechwriting. There are plenty of people ready to tell you that you can't earn a living doing just that. In fact some people seem to get angry at the thought that someone might be able to do it.

If you have a creative talent, or a seemingly unemployable friend, I thoroughly recommend the book.

Very Unusual Requests

When you advertise in Private Eye, you are always likely to get some unusual requests. Last year I was asked by a rather nervous young man if I could write a few lines to help him deal with a tricky situation. He was afraid that at his Graduation Awards Dinner, he was going to win the title, "Most Likely Closet Gay". He wanted me to dilute his embarrassment and tactfully brush it aside.

When you create new material, you're often not sure how good it is. But I reread what I did for him, I was quite pleased with it. I gave him three options:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am very happy to receive this award on behalf of all of you who are tortured by their own sexuality.

The most important thing about graduation – moving from being a child to an adult - is realising that not everything is, as it seems.

Listen to the pick up artists. One of the best lines to hit on a really attractive woman is to approach her in a group and say, "If I wasn’t gay, you’d be so mine."

Gay men can get close to women. Do you think they all have integrity?

Did you know that Julian Clary has a wife and two children in Penge?

So I’m delighted to receive this award. Thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am flattered to be given this award.

As Woody Allen once said, bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.

Actually, I feel this award is a tribute to my impeccable dress sense, baffling good looks, artistic talent, emotional sensitivity – not to mention my taste in interior design.

Will I grow up to be like Tom Cruise, Robbie Williams or John Travolta? I’m not sure I could complain.

This award means that many of you are not quite sure how to take me.

That makes me feel a bit sad.

If any ladies in the audience are feeling sorry for me. I’ll be happy to reassure them afterwards.

As a great philosopher once said, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Woody Allen once said, ‘Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don’t think about sex at all. They become lawyers.’

Thank you for this award.